Cry For Me
by Distorted Pheonix
Summary: "All of a sudden, it wasn't all right, I wasn't fine, I just couldn't handle it."


He caught me at a weak moment. Remus always had a way of doing that. You'd be at your lowest, looking for a place to cry where no one could see you, and he'd walk into the room and look straight at you. I asked him how he did it once, and he said that the instincts of the wolf just knew. I don't understand, and I don't think he does either, but whatever it is, it's always right.

I wasn't at my lowest point yet, but it wasn't far off. And I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Not even Remus, whom I'd used as a confidant for years. I didn't think he would understand. I didn't think anyone would understand.

You see, it was the night before the worst day of the year. February 13. And it was a Friday. Which meant that all the couples were going to spend tomorrow ice skating and sledding and just doing romantic things in general. Except me.

I mean, it's not as if this was unusual. I'd always been alone for Valentine's Day. When I was smaller it didn't bother me so much. Or at all, for that matter. I simply didn't care. And anyway, the guys hadn't been interested in romance yet either. The first one was Sirius, back in fifth year. That wasn't too bad. I still got to spend the day with the guy I liked, along with Remus and Peter. 

Even last year it didn't hurt too bad, because even though Remus and Sirius and Peter had dates, James and I played chess all evening and complained about how we hated Valentine's Day. It wasn't too bad, even though the one person on Earth I had any romantic inclinations towards was sitting directly across from me in a deserted room and I couldn't touch him. That took self control, let me tell you.

I mean, I've never expected anything. Carrot red hair, unusually well muscled limbs (for a girl anyway), and a rebellious nature don't tend to attract the men. Couple that with the fact that I was considered one of the guys, and you can forget about it. So I was contented to watch from a distance. It never hurt to look.

This year everything changed. First, Elizabeth Bloody Christon from Ravenclaw grew herself a chest over the summer. James noticed, along with the entire seventh year. Whereas before she'd been a pretty enough girl, she was now, in James's word "downright sexy".

She turned into a bit of a whore, going through boyfriend after boyfriend. Everyone knew what was happening when she and her catch of the month would disappear during an afternoon lesson. James watched her and I watched him, and we sat in the Common Room and commiserated over those that we liked that would never like us back. He told me who his was right off, but I always refused to tell him mine. He'd laugh at me, I told him. After making sure I didn't have some sort of barking mad crush on Snape or Malfoy, he left me alone.

And then, a week before the worst holiday of the year, guess who became Elizabeth's Flavor of the Week. You guessed it. James thought he was in control of the relationship, of course. I'd heard him talking to Sirius at lunch about how he should ask her out. And it hurt, you know, even though I'd known for forever that he didn't see me in that light. But I just laughed at him and played along with everyone else when he blushed after Sirius asked what class he planning on missing to meet Elizabeth. After all, I was ok. No biggie.

Remus was the only one who knew at this point, and the only reason he knew was because I'd accidentally mentioned it in one of our midnight talks. He'd cast me a concerned glance when he'd figured out what James was talking about, but I just shrugged it off. I was ok.

But then, the night before, all of a sudden it wasn't all right, I wasn't fine, I just couldn't handle it. Maybe it had something to with the fact that James was down in the Common Room composing bad poetry, or maybe just the fact that everyone except me seemed to have their own significant other, but all of a sudden it was just too much. I borrowed the Invisibility Cloak from James and went to the library. The fire there was always on by necessity, because it had so many anti-spreading charms on it. Too much work to recast every time. 

I had a thing about fire. I liked to stare at it, soak in its heat, be lost in its dance. Tonight wasn't much different than usual. Remus even walked in at his usual time, a quarter 'til midnight.

"I thought you were ok with it."

"Me too."

We sat there for a while, listening to the flames pop. He didn't ask me why I didn't cry. He'd asked the first night. I mean, I don't cry. I can't cry. It's not even a case of not wanting to anymore. I think I've forgotten how. See, I didn't cry when my favorite horse broke his leg and had to be put down. I didn't cry when I fell off and dislocated my shoulder. For heavens sake, I didn't even cry when Mum was killed when her horse reared in the gate! It would have helped. But I just can't cry anymore.

That was all Remus said to me that night and all I said to him. After a while, he went back to the Tower. I stayed up all night, watching the flames.

It was a winter wonderland the next day. The sky was cloudy and a light flurry was floating gently to the ground. Sirius taught his valentine how to ice skate while Remus went on a sleigh ride with his long-time girlfriend. Peter was off snogging and James and Elizabeth were walking very closely together around the lake. I stayed in Gryffindor and read a brilliant book about the American racehorse Secretariat. Three hundred forty pages. I finished it by dinner, but I wasn't hungry. Ok, well I was, but not enough to face all the dopey smiles. I went outside and sat under an oak tree, thinking again.

It was no longer a wonderland. The temperature had warmed up just enough to melt the flakes falling from the darkening sky, and the wind was increasing. That was ok. I'd always loved the rain.

I felt pretty daft, you know. Here I was, the girl who never admits to any weakness, moping outside because no one liked her enough to love her. And that was part of the problem, I realized. If someone liked me for who I am, had chosen to spend today with me, just so I wasn't alone, then it wouldn't have been so bad. 

But I'm always alone.

The sky chose that moment to open up, spilling torrents of water down on me. I didn't care. I couldn't cry. But I let the sky cry for me.


End file.
